I was born with a shot glass in my hand
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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