I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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