All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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