if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
