what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
