whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
