i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
