the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
