do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
