I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
