someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
