just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
