i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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