i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
