You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
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