is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
