Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
