Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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