I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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