do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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