the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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