fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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