Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
