Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
