i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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