theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
