did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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