He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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