Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
