You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Who died my cat blue again?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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