so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
