It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
