Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
