when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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