I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm too high and old for this...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
