what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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