as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
COCAINE IS GR8
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
