Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Two words: blizzard sex
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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