Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
