nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
