I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
