somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
