She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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