I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
