pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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