i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
