Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
