Pappa wants mamma naked
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
