remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
