She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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